To the Ass Holes That Stole my Laptop,

I hope karma catches up to you in weird and unexpected ways a lot over the next few years.

I hope you always have to wait in line for the bathroom. But like, a really long line.

I hope you do that thing where you lose whatever it is that you just had in your hands like, seriously like four fucking seconds ago?! every single day.

I want you to be forever trying to remember the word for something, and it’s always on the tip of your tongue, but never comes to you.

I hope you’re always constipated, except when you go to the movies.

I hope you accidentally date, and subsequently marry an estranged sibling.

I hope your order is always wrong: at ever restaurant, bar, and coffee place.

I hope someone else eats those leftovers that you have been looking forward to all day.

But I want them to leave the container in the fridge, so you have to experience false hope before crushing disappointment.

I hope you have a long and messy custody battle with your ex-wife/sister over the dog that you both hate.

I hope you always feel like there’s water in one of your ears.

I hope Steve Jobs haunts the shit out of you (for a while anyway, I know he has a lot of ghost stuff to do).

I want you to win custody and then I hope the dog immediately pees on your pillows. All of them.

I hope that when you are finally ready to date again you fall in love with a girl who turns out to be a lesbian trying to make her ex girlfriend jealous.

And I hope it worked.

I hope you always have a wedgie that never goes away, no matter how hard you pick it.

I hope that you are unable to recover,  give up on women all together and decide to date store mannequins, exclusively.

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