Things I Have Never Ever Finished in my Life

Any sort of makeup, nail polish, or hair product: I think the mark of a true grownup is someone who runs out of mascara before buying more, instead of buying/hoarding them like the eyelash apocalypse in approaching.

Notebooks: Oh god, so so many notebooks. I've always had this romantic vision of filling countless black notebooks with page after page of my words. When this fails to happen the notebook is clearly the one to blame in the relationship and is eventually forgotten in lieu of another notebook.

 

Tae kwan do: When I was younger, I got up to my orange belt. In high school I tried again and made it to camp belt this time (yes, camo as in camouflage. Shut up, I didn't choose to grow up in the South). But I suppose I just don't have the heart of a karate master. Also I had to start sparring. Clearly I am a lover, not a fighter-so I spent most of my time avoiding any actual contact with my opponents.

 

Coffee: I drink it by the gallon. But I like my drinks to be so hot that they almost burn my tongue. Once it cools down to lukewarm or even hot it might as well be baby piss. And do not tell me to put ice in it and make it iced coffee. That is so not how you make iced coff–you know what. Public service announcement time: you cannot make iced coffee simply by adding ice to regular coffee. Especially when that coffee is still hot. I'm looking at you, Einstein's Bagels. Cut that shit out.

 

Any DIY projects that include a shopping trip: I usually like to buy about 1/3 of the supplies needed and forget them in my car for three months, hoping they self assemble via osmosis.

 

Diets, cleanses, etc:Any of those 1 week/10 days/30 day exercise diets or cleanses or workout challenges are abandoned with ease in record timing.

 

Vitamins: I try to be a good adult and buy multi vitamins and vitamins for your hair and skin, with visions of becoming the kind of person that wakes up and fills themselves with a buttload of nutrients, then probably goes on a six mile hike, and has oatmeal for breakfast. I even buy the sour gummy kind (the ones for adults, come on guys give me some credit).

 

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